Death and Guilt

I lost my great-grandmother today at the age of 97. As elderly she was it didn't come as a huge surprise. But I was taken aback by the feelings following the news. Cannot really say how I feel right now - been a bit confused - though the topmost feeling must be guilt.

It's amazing to find out how death and guilt go hand in hand. My first thought after the news was what if the funeral are in two weeks time? Then I wouldn't be able to go this festival I really wanna go. And an immediate response to this thought was guilt. I felt guilty of having thought such an absurd idea.

I was never that close with my great-grandmother. I saw her very rarely but still what I remember of her was her spirit. She was a witty fighter til the end. And always on a good mood - my dad told me it was only this morning she was laughing with nurses. Well, at least she went smiling :)

Now I just keep wondering whether I should go to the funeral. And if I'd go, whether I'd do it just out of guilt? And what good that would do? And then yet again, if I don't go, how that makes me look in the eyes of relatives? Guilt and social pressure, what a combination!